It’s not Pronounced Kegel!

It’s December, and I’m reflecting on the past year. I’m needing to butter up my heathen so I can get awesome presents  for Hannukah (no ulterior motive here, move along, nothing to see).  So I’m making one of his favorite comfort foods

 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbhofgsH1kM

Kick Ass Kugel

Get out a large pot and fill it with water and enough salt to make it taste like the ocean. Then boil

1 lb egg noodles ( I used whole wheat flat ones, but cheapo wide egg noodles work even better)

When they’re al dente, drain them and chuck it back in the pan for later. Search for your favorite bowl and notice you have neither cottage cheese or enough sour cream. And call your heathen at work to bring them when he comes home. Meanwhile, in a bowl combine

 

1 ½ c heavy cream

¾ c milk (any type, I used skim)

2 ½ tsp vanilla (you can use less, but I like vanilla)

1 half of 1 lemon zested (optional, but I’ve a leftover lemon from making Alton Brown’s smoked trout avocado sandwich today)

¾ cup turbinado sugar (cuz it’s yummy, and I have only a little bit taking up space in the pantry, you can use any sugar you like)

5 tbs melted butter

Curse under your breath as you search for the phone to call heathen a second time and ask him to buy eggs, because you only have 4 right now and need

5  large  eggs

Stick the bowl in the fridge, until you have the rest of the ingredients. Note to self: next time, make you you have the ingredients before you start making the blinking recipe. Put together the crunchy topping in a microwave safe bowl:

Melt 1 ½ Tbs butter in the microwave. Discover that it’s not melted after 20 seconds, and put it in for 10 more. Notice how much you really need to clean your microwave, ew.

Dump in:

1 Tbs cinnamon (you heard me, I know it’s more cinnamon than what’s traditional, but the next ingredient ain’t traditional either)

1 cup crushed corn flakes

Crush them in your hands, you’ll get a lovely heterogeneous texture. 

 

And it’s gratifying to say die! Die, little corn flakes!—oh wait, that’s just me. 

Toss around the idea of including

1 very thinly sliced medium apple

Decide you really don’t feel like cleaning the cutting board and omit it instead. Realize you told your heathen “Apple Kugel” on the phone. Oh well, Maybe next time. Set everything in the fridge and trot off to play Bubble With on Facebook. Get your

LAST EGG! (yay! Finally!)

And beat the mixture while you puree in the food processor

1 ½ c Cottage cheese (I use low fat, not that it matters in this recipe)

1 c  Sour cream (also low fat, yes, I realize the futility)

It doesn’t have to be perfect puree.  Actually my heathen likes it a little chunky. Dump in

½ cup your favorite raisins (I love sultanas)

 

This is what happens when you ask for help from the heathen. Poor raisin bag.

Cooked noodles from earlier

 

Slop! Wonderful slop!

And mix thoroughly. Pour the slop into a prepared 9”x13” baking pan, or your favorite casserole pan (it is a lot, use a big dish that’s really well greased)

 

Tasty looking, no?

and sprinkle with the cornflake mixture. 

 

Bake at 350 for at least 40 minutes (some days you need to bake longer to get the custard to set up correctly) Let cool for 10 minutes before cutting, elsewise you’ve no hope of getting it out of the pan in one piece. 

 

It’s even better cold for breakfast the next day.

 

Tired of Turkey

Okay, now that another round of holidays is come and gone, and now that I've had more turkey leftovers than I'd care to list. So I had plenty of take-out leftovers from house guests and desperation, so I thawed some fish.

Thank GAWD it's not turkey! Croquettes,

OR

How many times will she wash her hands this recipe?

In a baking dish(or cake pan, or hunk of aluminum foil) take 1-1 ½ lbs salmon filets (any type will do, I used Coho because that's what the heathen likes to eat), rub a bit of oilive oil on both sides and sprinkle it liberally with salt and pepper. Pop the whole thing in a 375 oven for twenty minutes to half an hour. Decide not to eat it that night and go out to Chinese instead.

The next day, take the fish you put in the fridge and chop it up into 1" square pieces. Throw it in a bowl. Wash hands. Dice veg.

      2  stalks celery

3 green onion stalks

and throw into bowl

½ tsp salt

½ tsp pepper

2 eggs

1/3 c ap flour

1 takeout box of cooked white rice (about 2 cups)

1 Tbs creole seasoning (I use Tony Cacheres, because it was in the pantry, you're welcome to any type you like, or even just some Old Bay)

Mix by hand, or with a spoon, or whatever.

Wash hands. Heat ¼ inch cheaper olive oil (like TJ's or Bertolli, not your good expensive stuff like Moulin Mahjoub) in large skillet and heat it over a medium-high flame. Take palmful of the salmon mess and shape lightly into patty. 

Don't squish them, or manhandle them. 

These are delicate; be careful putting them into pan and use your splatter cover or lid as a shield against the evil back-splash. 

You're doing battle now. You against the oil; and the oil can and will win, if you don't watch that heat. After forming first batch, wash hands. 

Cook until golden brown on each side,

 

form second and third batches, washing hands in between each time. Stick your tongue out when the heathen asks you how many times you've washed your hands during this recipe, and get out some prepared horseradish for a sauce (Dijon mustard is good too) For the record, total: 5 hand washes, and 13 croquettes.

Cheater, cheater, SQUASH eater?

It’s mid-week, and I’m a slacker. I don’t want to make a full meal tonight, and we had take-out Indian last night, so no more take out for us (we have a house rule that only 1 night a week can be take-out). Thankfully, I can toss together a yummy meal using the stuff still sitting in my fridge.

Butternut Pesto Bake

Find your biggest knife (your favorite chef’s knife, a cleaver, saber, whatever…I use a 7 inch Santoku) and

               1 small/medium butternut squash

Manhandle, curse, and otherwise chop the entire thing into cubes that are ½-1” or so. Toss all of these into a bowl and glug on

               3-4 Tbs olive oil (Moulins Mahjoub is wonderful http://www.moulinsmahjoub.com/english/huila.htm)

1-     1 ½ tsp kosher salt

¾ tsp fresh cracker black pepper

Toss to coat the butternut thoroughly. Really get your hands in there, and work it in. On a large baking sheet, dump out the entire contents of the bowl in a single layer and put it in a 375 degree oven for 20-30 minutes, turning them halfway through. Rub in the salt and olive oil on your hands (it’s a great exfoliator) and rinse off the seasonings from them. Wipe off the excess oil on a towel, but don’t wash it off, it’s a good moisturizer.

While the squash is cooking thank yourself for making pesto last weekend. Oh! You didn’t make any pesto? Well, looks like you have more work—

Awesome Pesto

In your food processor, lightly pulse

               3-4 garlic cloves

               1/2 cup (4 ounces) walnuts (I keep these on hand in the freezer)

These should look chopped up, but not minced. Add

               6 ounces good Parmegiano Reggiano (spring for the good stuff, you’ll thank yourself)

Again, pulse. But don’t puree. You want this to be chunky. Then run outside to get some basil, realize you forgot the kitchen shears. Open the back door, and dodge the two running dogs that have decided that they want to be outside because you’re outside. Grab the kitchen shears and head back out to get your basil. Chop many stems—you’ll need a cup or two of leaves. Call the dogs back inside as you head back in. Yell at the one that is ignoring you, and promise the obedient one a cookie. Promise this loudly enough that the stubborn one hears you. Watch as the stubborn one comes tearing into the house and nearly takes out your knees as they run by.

Reward the dogs with some cookies as you ask your heathen to clean the basil. Toss all the flower stems—only a few varieties of basil have flowers that aren’t bitter. Remember that you need to turn the squash in the oven. Smile as your heathen gives you a drippy colander of basil, sigh. Looks like you need to get out the salad spinner or some paper towels. Oh well. It’ll give you time to pick out the yucky leaves, all of the bruised or holey ones (you do grow your herbs organically, right?)

Toss in the basil (stems and all) into the processor. Pulse again for 20 seconds or so, and check the texture.  It should look minced, not pasty.  Add

1 tsp kosher salt

½ tsp fresh cracked black pepper

Turn on your food processor and slowly pour in

               ½ c GOOD olive oil (the stuff you want to serve company only)

Stop the processor and check your consistency. 

 

Is it pasty? Slightly saucy? Good. 

You want this a little tight. You can always add more oil later, but you can’t take it out.  Now, the hardest part—taste it. Does it need more salt? More pepper? More garlic? Adjust as necessary to your tastes. Measurements for this recipe is difficult to record, because I always do this by touch and taste. But you’ll get by. You’ll create a gorgeous pesto that can be used tonight, and frozen in a zipper bag for later. It makes a great compound butter, quick sauce, and ingredient for other recipes.

Now, back to tonight’s dinner: get out your favorite pasta. Tonight, I’m using up some leftover ravioli I froze (that’s another blog entry). In a mixing bowl mix in ravioli, roasted squaaaaash (yep, that’s an Ode to Two and A Half Men) and pesto. Dump into a greased baking dish and top with leftover mozzarella (or whatever mild white cheese you’ve on hand) and more shredded parmegiano. Bake the whole concoction at 350-375 for 20 minutes or so.

It should come out hot and bubbly, releasing a perfume of nutty cheese and sweet basil that makes you immediately want to curl in a ball on the couch, with a blanket and a bowl of steamy veggie heaven and maybe a couple of Italian chicken sausages.

That’s where I am now 

Rice, rice baby

The High Holidays have come and gone, and so has another anniversary. My fridge is fairly empty, and we’ve subsisted on take-out food for the past couple of days, rather than attack our very dirty kitchen (don’t judge; you know you do it too).

So we’ve a lot of leftover rice containers. And, strangely enough, milk. Ergo—it’s either rice cereal (ode to Mom) or rice pudding time. My heathen is craving comfort foods, so guess which one?

Apple Rice Pudding Brulee

Dice up a beautiful, unassuming innocent medium apple

 

It was asking for it with those cheeks hangin' out, mwahahahaha

Toss it in a medium sauce pan over medium-low heat, and combine

3- 3 ½ cups cooked rice (medium grain) or 2 take-out boxes of rice

3 cups milk (my favorite is Snowville Creamery’s skim milk)

2/3- 3/4cup sugar (depends on how sweet you want it)

2-3 Tbs of butter (depends on how much rice you used)

Cook for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Lower the heat when you notice a funky scum trying to emerge or if the milk is trying to scald. Trot off and play Bubble Witch Saga on Facebook. Remember that you have a steamy pot on the stove, curse that you lost your round, and run back into the kitchen to stir the pot and add

                 

           ½ cup currants (or raisins, if you prefer)

1 tsp GOOD vanilla (I know I sound like Ina Garten here, but it’s important. I like using Caswell-Massey’s)

2 tsp cinnamon

This time, put the burner on it’s lowest setting and cook for another 15 minutes (or until everything is a steamy caldron of tasty soft goo and apples). Shake your head as your heathen tells you he doesn’t like rice pudding, and tell him that his noogies are tough (you like rice pudding). When the pot is done, take it off the burner, cover it and leave it alone for 5 minutes.

 

Thank you, Pantera, for being stuck in my head right now

Serve it up in your favorite bowls or ramekins with a hefty sprinkle of sugar on top. Tell you heathen to add more sugar, and don’t be stingy with it. Try to light your torch (what you don’t have a torch? Ugh, then you can put your ramekins in the broiler. But don’t do the bowls. They’ll shatter)

Curse at the torch as you burn yourself a little while brulee-ing the sugar. Using small circles with the flame on the sugar, working from one side to the other section by section. Move to a new section when the sugar is bubbly and lightly caramel colored.

 

Fire, fire! Hhhuhh, huuuhhh…

Sorry, I was having a moment. Tell you heathen to come back with the sugar he put away, and add more to your bowl, because you want a thicker crunchy crust on your bowl. Promise him that he’ll like this rice pudding. Watch him shrug, and take a bite and proclaim that this is not rice pudding. That rice pudding like this does not exist in the real world and can only taste this good in magic wifey-land. Smile, take the compliment and crack the yummy shell on your own happy, lovely bite.